Anchored in Reality: How the 3 Dark Dives (Denial, Defensiveness and Self-Deception) Keep Your Relationship in Choppy Waters

While the sexual betrayals in my marriage with Conner was the most difficult experience of my life; what kept my wounds open and gaping were the ongoing, treacherous Dark Dives of Denial, Defensiveness and Self-Deception.

While these 3 D’s can be seen as “self-protective” by nature, they keep couples stuck in chronic trauma, conflict and pain. Like a boat anchored in shallow waters during a storm, the hull can’t withstand repeated blows for too long, before it begins to experience structural damage and fall apart. Relationships are similar.

As betrayed partners, it’s no surprise that we’ve been harmed through the sexual deceptions. Yet, additional ruptures and opportunities to repair are often missed through minimizing, ignoring, avoidance, fantasy, spiritualizing, making excuses & self-deception. These behaviors cause complex relational tears and make it nearly impossible for betrayed partners to heal. Couples drift into becoming roommates, split up, or heal broken. But there’s hope.

Couples can heal through the 3 Anchors of Reality: rigorous Honesty with self/others, sincere Ownership without deflection or blame, and shared Grief over the harm. Doing this work creates respect for self & others and invites steps toward intimacy & vulnerability. There’s momentum as couples learn how to stay Anchored in Reality and create deeper exchanges as the relationship becomes more and more safe for connection & healing.