Trust Yourself to Take it Back

Disclaimer: When there is active abuse- psychologically or physically this model will be more challenging and may not be possible, especially if the person abusing is not seeking to work on that piece. In that case, helpers need to assist the unsafe partner to develop boundaries and get safe apart from the couple's work.

We have made the mistake of just teaching boundaries to partners. Boundaries need to be taught to everyone. 

They are about how we interact with our world. 

Boundaries are recovery work. If we encourage those recovering to understand the need for boundaries, partners will be taken out of the role of feeling like mom and even being resented. 

For couples in situations where the acting-out partner is broken open and willing, it is important for that person to be an active part of boundary conversations. Not to focus on setting them with their partner unless there are safety issues but more in regards to self- containment and boundaries with self to protect individual integrity and relationships. 

Boundaries start with knowing your value and identifying your needs. What our value is based on keeps us moving forward. They are costly for everyone. Focus on what you share ownership of. Your body, social media accounts, relationships, money. Boundaries are painful but can become rewarding days, weeks, months, years following executing them.

When someone does not honor a boundary another boundary often needs to be put in place. Boundaries can bring us closer or create space depending on the other person's response.